Defining Yourself
by Marije Miller

A few months ago, I had the great opportunity to coach a woman on changing her life in an amazing way! Ellen had a very responsible high management position in a big company. She had worked very hard and diligently to reach this point, where she could finally be financially comfortable. In addition to her work, she had taken on a second part-time position for a nice extra income. And she was not happy. Ellen also volunteered on the board of a non-profit agency, as well as at her church and she spent time in a health-food co-op. When Ellen spoke to me of her task-load, I heard a very responsible person, who went over and above what was reasonably asked of her. I also heard she was lonely. When I asked her about that, she admitted she would like a partner to create a home and family with.

Ellen came to me to get some clarity on her priorities: she had bought a house, but she hardly spent hardly any time there, because of her responsibilities. She would like to decorate it, but didn’t have time to go by the stores to find those little things to add to make her house her home. Ellen also would like to start dating, but again, she didn’t have time and wouldn’t know where to find the perfect partner for her. And she had just said ‘yes’ to another volunteer-function. Which she didn’t have the time for. It was clear to both her and me that time was obviously of the essence. I asked her a number of questions, like ‘What did she do to nurture herself?’ and ’what did she get out of offering so much of herself?’ and ‘how would she like to spend her time differently?’, etc.

Ellen’s answers created a great awareness for herself. She realized that she often said ‘yes’ to what people asked of her too easily, without actually enjoying the doing of the tasks. I asked her to take a look at how she was honoring her values by spending her time this way. What was really important to her? As we talked, she discovered amazing things about herself. Scheduling her days this full made her feel important. She realized she valued herself by how busy she was, even if it meant not truly honoring what she really wanted. In order for her to create time for herself, we went over her scheduled commitments and prioritized them. One of them had meant a lot to Ellen in the past, but now she came to the conclusion she’d outgrown it. Another felt like she actually wasted her time: the group wasn’t organized and she felt she didn’t want to be part of the chaos that was present. Another one, the health food co-op, was very important to her. She did decide on keeping that on her list.

Then, she added a very powerful word to her vocabulary: “No!” As in: “I am not going to do this, because it’s just not a priority to me”. When we talked on the phone a couple weeks later, she explained how calm and peaceful she had become. She had gotten clear on what was important in her life: her family, her work and her health. Practicing this ‘saying no’ was a bit difficult at first, but after she got the hang of it, she used it with ease and grace.

Through this whole experience, I kept feeling how responsible she was in all the areas of her life. This was something, she admitted, had been a necessity growing up. But where was her real joy? Then she revealed to me that she had just enjoyed a short vacation! It had been the first in many years. During it, she discovered she deeply enjoyed writing! There it was, such lightness, such an elated joy in her voice when she tapped into the experience. I asked her ‘In what way would you be able to find some writing-time to spend frivolously on yourself?’ She came up with a decision that has made her much happier: to let go of the second job, in which she really felt misplaced. It means a loss of income, but ultimately it gives her the time for herself she desperately needs.

Ellen entered a short time of readjustment: she had always defined herself by how busy her schedule or how important her tasks were. Now she realized that there is a lot more to Ellen than the well organized and responsible person she portrays. There is a more frivolous side to her that enjoys spending time looking for little knickknacks for her home. And she realizes it’s okay to enjoy writing just for the sheer pleasure of it!

Defining ‘who you are’ is a grand question! I always enjoy the discussion of what the deepest truth is, in what defines you. You have so many roles: you’re a daughter or son, a parent, a customer, a husband or wife, or you’re single, etc. Deeper are the characteristics that you have: Ellen is responsible, she’s a nurturer, she’s a great organizer, etc… Does that mean that when Ellen quits her secondary job she’s irresponsible? Is she a bad person? How do we define her then? How does she define herself? Honestly, it is truly all up to her. She chooses and creates her own life and she can choose how she wants to redefine herself. What she realized is that she is not stuck playing the same role she has played so very well for so very long. She can choose to pick the pieces she likes and add some other ones she may enjoy as well. She hasn’t completely decided on who or what she is at this point. For now, she’s just truly enjoying herself experiencing her versatility!

Marije Miller is a Personal and Professional Coach. She has been on radio and has been interviewed and published on the Internet. Marije can be reached at (530) 274-7568 or coach@yourgreatestlife.com. You can visit her web site at www.yourgreatestlife.com

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