Are You Connecting?
by Marije Miller

Originally published in Professional Services section of The Union Newspaper (Grass Valley, CA), September 2002

Are you connecting?
A year ago we were all shocked to the core of our soul when the Twin Towers came down. Even now, we are still fighting with the disbelief, the anger and the hurt. We are becoming, ever so slowly, able to accept this new vulnerability. It shows us life is not always what we choose it to be. Even if we know this rationally, it is a tough realization to live with. In the months after September 11 people seemed to express a need to regain some control over their lives. With so many changes happening all around us, I’ve noticed many people questioning their priorities and their values. We especially re-evaluated the connection with the ones who are important to us: family, friends… It has become a high priority to make the connection with them: we know the importance to us, yet many of us feel our lives don’t allow for much of it to happen. ‘Not enough time in my day…’ and ‘my family lives so far away…’ and even more often then those I hear ‘But I don’t know anyone…’ Surprisingly, once I ask them questions, most often there is a completely different underlying reason. This main reason is fear. The fear of being laughed at. This embarrassment that some people feel when trying to make a contact, is the single highest ranking fear in humans. It is so strong, that we prefer to cast our eyes downward, while we are sitting across from strangers in the train. Add to this fear the need for a new awareness to possible threats of terrorist actions and we become a very lonely people.

There is hope, however. Let me give you my personal example: I’m a Dutch citizen, living in California since 1994. Born and raised in The Netherlands, Europe. I never planned on moving to the United States, but I happened to meet this wonderful American, who, while he was stationed in Holland, stole my heart. In order for me to get it back, I had to follow him here. And found he had given me his heart in return. Even when I decided, 8 years ago, to move to California, I still was, and am, Dutch! Then September 11 happened: suddenly I truly feel part of America. What I mean to say with this story, is that the tragedy allows us to feel connected in a big way to a community that even extends our boundaries. This shared patriotism to the large vision of America is a great gift to all of us, whether we are American or not.

Now, let’s see how we can use this same feeling of connection in smaller vicinity: our personal lives. When we feel connected, we feel acknowledged and valued by the other person. Instead of fearing the other might laugh at us (the other probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you)when we create that connection, it actually has the possibility of empowering us.

Now, how does that work?
We all have our own story that colors our world. Through this story, the world is shaped according to how we choose to see it. That choice is often a subconscious one, but once we become aware of it, we are able to choose another story. Preferably one that suits us better in allowing us to connect freely with others. Very often, our stories get in the way of really making that connection with someone else. Our belief of what is right, according to our own story, lets us accept or not accept what the other person is telling us. What we need to realize is that the other person has his or her own beliefs, through which he/she sees their reality. Since we are all very different people, it makes sense we all have our own different set of beliefs. You can compare that to the science fiction idea of having many different realities as in the show ‘Sliders’. It was based on the idea of a small group of people ‘sliding’ from one reality to another, in search of their old and familiar reality. They would arrive in the same city (San Francisco), but each time they would come in contact with a different set of beliefs that the people of that reality lived with.

Interestingly, it showed that by being open to other ideas and joining in the new reality the main characters came upon quite a number of exciting (and not so exciting) opportunities they would otherwise not have had, had they stayed in their own old and familiar reality. That is true in our life as well: if we adhere close to our own beliefs and do not allow room for any other points of view we then shut ourselves off from the other’s story. This closes us off from new points of view, new ideas and new opportunities through which we can evolve ourselves and change our lives.

As a life coach I’ve learned to stay open to other people’s stories. A life coach looks through the eyes of the other person to truly understand what is being said. At the same time, we are able to create a distance to stay objective. Because of this understanding, as well as objectivity, a client feels both truly heard and supported. This offers the client the chance of creating a ‘new set of eyes’ to look through, without the feeling of being judged.

What I’m going to ask of you is to practice truly listening to everyone in your surroundings. What is the person really saying? If you come from a place of being interested in the other, you’ll notice how easy it is to truly pay attention. In your conversations, how often do you use the word ‘I’? How often do you notice yourself trying to top a story with a much better one (think of fishing stories, they get better and better each time!). When you are noticing yourself relating your own experiences, you’re staying in your own story. That’s okay. Then turn it around and be interested in the other person again. I once heard a quote, I’m not sure who said it, but it stated that “It’s much better to be interested than interesting”. If we all were interesting, but no one was interested, it would surely be a lonely life. But if we all are interested in each other, we all become interesting to one another at the same time!

What I mean to say is that I feel we all want to be connected with others, but that our stories can get in the way. If we stay open to each other’s story and don’t judge them or try to convince them to our own beliefs, we diminish that fear of being embarrassed. And if there is not need to fear the embarrassment we feel more free to connect with others. When we all learn to truly listen to another, we can build truly incredible relationships. These relationships are so tremendously supportive that we feel able to become so much more than we currently allow ourselves to be. That is my smallest dream as a coach. My large dream is that we all learn these great interpersonal skills and because we don’t feel the need to judge anyone for better or worse, we actually create a new supportive society. This society will show a great decrease of crime, abuse and hatred towards others. And since hatred has shown us what it can accomplish it is now time we start opening ourselves to changing our own stories and allowing others to do the same.

Marije Miller is a Personal and Professional Coach. She has been on radio and has been interviewed and published on the Internet. Marije can be reached at (530) 274-7568 or coach@yourgreatestlife.com. You can visit her web site at www.yourgreatestlife.com

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